Sometimes mothers think maybe their kids might be gay. And in fairness, most moms would probably know before most other people, whether they’d want to admit it or not. My mom, however, despite having no discernible gaydar, sometimes thinks I’m a lesbian. And not even for the reasons other people might think I am. (Spoiler: I’m not a lesbian. But if Queen Latifah or River Song asked me out, I’d totally go. Then again, I don’t know any sane people of either major gender who wouldn’t.)
Reasons you might think I’m a lesbian:
- I’m 32 and not yet married. In my defense, I just turned 32 and wasn’t aware that hitting 32 as a single made me automatically lesbian. If that’s how it works, somebody should have sent me a “Welcome to Your Lesbian Life” letter or something, because otherwise, I’m just going to keep fumbling along as a straight chick.
- I wear blue jeans a LOT. Didn’t realize this, but apparently this makes some people think I’m a lesbian. I was all about thinking “I love blue jeans; why not wear them?” and people were seeing my jeans and thinking “I’ll bet she likes chicks.”
- I didn’t really enjoy wearing makeup until I was in my mid-20s. Again, I fail to see how this impacts my sexuality, but apparently it does. So for all you lesbians who wear makeup, take note: you’re apparently not good lesbians. Apparently.
- I have a lot of gay and lesbian friends. Again, I think this just means I’m a fun person, but it seems to make people who don’t know me think I’m a lesbian. Somehow, the fact that I have as many or more straight friends doesn’t automatically make me straight. Weird.
- Oh, this is the biggest one, I’ve been told: It doesn’t bother me if someone calls me a lesbian. Mostly ’cause I don’t think it’s an insult. And if it’s from a lesbian friend, I assume it means I look especially adorable that day.
- My favourite movies are eclectic, but some of them involve gay men or lesbians or straight men/women playing gay men or lesbians or drag queens or transpeople or something. I don’t know. Somehow, the fact that I like In and Out and The Bird Cage and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is just proof positive I’m a lesbian. But, fair’s fair: Netflix seems to think so, too.
- I told her when I was a teen that I thought shaving was stupid — that guys have hairy legs and some guys are practically walking wombats of hair and that I never volunteered for this shaving shit. I didn’t say shit, though. I’d have gotten slapped for that. (Hi, mom! Ignore the word “shit,” please….).
- It didn’t bother me that I didn’t start dating regularly till around high school. Why this is on the list, I don’t know. I spent all of elementary and junior high depressed and reading. I didn’t have time for dating.
- I’m attracted to guys