Why My Mom Sometimes Thinks I’m A Lesbian

Not a lesbian!

I'd link to this shirt, but Zazzle is down.

Sometimes mothers think maybe their kids might be gay. And in fairness, most moms would probably know before most other people, whether they’d want to admit it or not.  My mom, however, despite having no discernible gaydar, sometimes thinks I’m a lesbian. And not even for the reasons other people might think I am. (Spoiler:  I’m not a lesbian. But if Queen Latifah or River Song asked me out, I’d totally go. Then again, I don’t know any sane people of either major gender who wouldn’t.)

Reasons you might think I’m a lesbian:

  • I’m 32 and not yet married. In my defense, I just turned 32 and wasn’t aware that hitting 32 as a single made me automatically lesbian. If that’s how it works, somebody should have sent me a “Welcome to Your Lesbian Life” letter or something, because otherwise, I’m just going to keep fumbling along as a straight chick.
  • I wear blue jeans a LOT.  Didn’t realize this, but apparently this makes some people think I’m a lesbian. I was all about thinking “I love blue jeans; why not wear them?” and people were seeing my jeans and thinking “I’ll bet she likes chicks.”
  • I didn’t really enjoy wearing makeup until I was in my mid-20s.  Again, I fail to see how this impacts my sexuality, but apparently it does. So for all you lesbians who wear makeup, take note: you’re apparently not good lesbians. Apparently.
  • I have a lot of gay and lesbian friends. Again, I think this just means I’m a fun person, but it seems to make people who don’t know me think I’m a lesbian. Somehow, the fact that I have as many or more straight friends doesn’t automatically make me straight. Weird.
  • Oh, this is the biggest one, I’ve been told: It doesn’t bother me if someone calls me a lesbian. Mostly ’cause I don’t think it’s an insult. And if it’s from a lesbian friend, I assume it means I look especially adorable that day.
Reasons my mother thinks I’m a lesbian:
  • My favourite movies are eclectic, but some of them involve gay men or lesbians or straight men/women playing gay men or lesbians or drag queens or transpeople or something. I don’t know. Somehow, the fact that I like In and Out and The Bird Cage and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is just proof positive I’m a lesbian. But, fair’s fair:  Netflix seems to think so, too.
  • I told her when I was a teen that I thought shaving was stupid — that guys have hairy legs and some guys are practically walking wombats of hair and that I never volunteered for this shaving shit. I didn’t say shit, though. I’d have gotten slapped for that. (Hi, mom! Ignore the word “shit,” please….).
  • It didn’t bother me that I didn’t start dating regularly till around high school. Why this is on the list, I don’t know. I spent all of elementary and junior high depressed and reading. I didn’t have time for dating.
I haven’t really asked her if there are other reasons, but I’m pretty sure these 3 points make up the whole list.  Oh, and the fact that yeah, the first list applies, too, but I’m happy anyway. (Is my life supposed to be miserable and empty because I’m not married and probably won’t have bio kids? SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL ME THESE THINGS.)
I guess I should also include this.
Reasons I’m not actually a lesbian:
  • I’m attracted to guys
Oh. That was a really short list. Crap.
Thing is, I don’t think many people are static in sexuality.  I think there are women who are going to identify as straight and even be happily married who will still be able to look at , say, //INSERT FEMALE CELEB HERE//* and recognize that she’s indeed terrifyingly awesome levels of hot.  And I think there are totally straight guys who can look at //INSERT MALE CELEB HERE//** and say the same. I’ve even got a straight male friend who, if he had to pick a male partner after the zombie apocalypse, has already chosen his because he seems like a sweetheart and would probably be good to cuddle.  And I think that’s totally normal. You don’t want to forget to plan for any possible eventuality when talking about a zombie apocalypse.  Otherwise you’ll find yourself stuck in a corner trying to repopulate the world with a jar of peanut butter and, really, at that point the zombies just win.
* I was going to say that I left this intentionally blank(ish) because beauty is an undefinable quality based on complex unique and personal values — but really, it’s just because I know squat about pop culture and I was afraid I’d pick the wrong one.
** ibid.

4 responses »

  1. Hillllarious. I’ve avoided khaki-and-polo combinations ever since jr. high when someone told everyone I was a lesbian. That’s not even a lesbian outfit. I must have been wearing that when she told people…weird. Anyway, hilarious post.

    • You’d probably make a bad lesbian, what with the husband and baby and all. I’m not sure, but I think that at least one of those is frowned on in the lesbian community.

      And yeah, what is it about the idea of “lesbian outfits”? Last I checked, my clothes had no sexual preferences of their own. They do seem to breed, but I’m pretty sure that’s, like, sporogenesis or binary fission or something…..

  2. Remember the plaid shirts, jeans, and Doc Martens of the 90s? Yeah, add to that my short hair and that I didn’t start dating until university– I got asked the lesbian question.Nope, very much not– I was just a product of the unfortunate fashions of the 90s. I was also once told by a pastor that wearing thick-soled shoes and jeans sent the message that a girl was a lesbian. I mean, really?

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