North Korea: Solved.


So after I saved NASA with brilliant shark rockets, NASA basically rolled over and gave up by sending Discovery to the Smithsonian. Thanks, NASA.  If you didn’t want shark rockets, all it would have taken was a polite email. Or even a tweet.  I’m not stuffy; I consider tweets decent for communication.  But just rebuffing me and giving up?

Anyway, this post isn’t about my apparent feud with NASA.  It’s about Korea — specifically North Korea because they’re the ones flinging missiles at people. On the one hand, I want to tell them to just stop already because that’s just RUDE.  But then I remember that their last “fearless leader” claimed immortality and then up & died — which is ALSO rude — so I wonder if nobody ever taught North Korea how to behave in polite company (i.e., the rest of the damn world.).

The more I thought about it (and realizing that this post will get me beheaded if I ever wind up in North Korea), I decided to be the courageous person who would finally step up and say, “Hey, North Korea:  knock it off.”

So that’s what I’m doing here today.  I hope North Korea is listening because I realize that Kim Jong Un basically inherited a whole country full of people who were forced to believe that Kim Jong Il was immortal and stuff and they’re understandably confused, hurt and kind of chaotic because immortal leaders don’t usually die.  I realize that there are some religions with leaders who are considered spiritually immortal or whatever, but this isn’t a religion, it’s a country and so far as I can tell, Kim Jong Il is still rather dead.  So I figured I’d step in and give N. Korea a few pointers on how to behave.

Lesson 1:  Don’t fling missiles

Seriously. North Korea, you might not have noticed, but that’s usually considered an aggressive thing since missiles (if properly made) tend to explode. And explosions are no fun for anyone. Flinging missiles really just makes the other nations want to fling them back at you — or worse, fling them first so they don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re going to fling freaking missiles at the next birthday party.  (Note: this is part of why you don’t get invited to UN slumber parties. That and that time that you wet the bed.)

Lesson 2:

Maybe let someone who isn’t crazy be in charge for a little while.  I know you have a long and proud history of super crazy dictators and while there’s something to be said for tradition, there’s also something to be said for not being that kid at the global lunch table that everybody thinks is 3 seconds away from eating a live kitten just to get some attention.  Settle down. It’s way cooler to get attention for doing good things, I promise.  You don’t have to chomp down on kitty tartar just to get someone to look your way. Believe me:  we’re all watching you already. I’m not saying you have to have a revolution, but … you might need a revolution.

I have lots of others, but really? I think these 2 might be enough to keep you busy for the next 20 – 40 years, if you apply yourselves, North Korea.  Just… think about it, okay? Next time, we’ll talk about picking more stable friends. I don’t really think you need to be hanging out with India so much until we get this settled, okay? Now go have a good nap and think about it.



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