I’m in Twitter jail right now — that’s the limit Twitter has in place theoretically for spammers but which lately just has me feeling like a child on the naughty step. So it was time to either blog or play Candy Crush and, man, I’m still not over chocolate betraying me on Candy Crush, so I’m gonna blog some. I shoulda done this before, actually, because I had a lot of great adventures like dog sitting (shut up; it was exciting) and watching BSG.
I think I’m gonna blog about BSG though because it’s like a decade old and if you’re like me and are just now getting to it, you’re probably already full of spoilers or you have no right to complain or you’re like 7 and what the hell are you doing watching BattleStar Galactica anyway, kid? Where are your parents?
Not here, obviously.
So I’m actually taking a hiatus from mainlining BSG because once the cute nerd boy civilian dies, it’s clear that nobody’s safe that they kill everyone you love — just like Game of Thrones but with less incest and dragons.
Related: I now side-eye my toaster when I walk into the kitchen. I just know one day I’m going to wake up and it’s going to be all sentient and fling hot bread at my face — and not even in a nice anticipatory way, but more in a “screw you AND your bagel” kind of way. And that’s just sad.
Before BSG, I was livetweeting the Children of the Corn movies because did you know there are EIGHT of those things? EIGHT. I counted twice. And Netflix has 7 of them. I have no idea what CotC 2 did to make Netflix angry, but it’s not even offered. Anyway, I watched all 7 in a 24 hour period. Yes. I have priorities, apparently, and very few of them involve more than “horror movies,” “Twitter,” and “bathroom breaks.”
Anyway, I learned that murder corn moos. Did you know that? That’s the sound of demon corn. It MOOS. And not just a regular moo. It moos like the gut of a thousand constipated cows. My theory is that if murder corn got eaten by cows, it couldn’t do all its murdering, so mooing is just a natural evolution.
I also learned that night-vision goggles let you see possessed ghosts of children.
And more than anything, I learned that if you make 8 movies about murder corn, by the 8th, YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP THE CHARACTER OF THE MURDER CORN CONSISTENT. This, to me, seems like the easiest one. There’s corn. It does murder. It’s also in the title of ALL THE FILMS. Children, well, okay — they occurred in all the films, but for different reasons and not always as slaves of the murder corn. But then the murder corn couldn’t even decide if it was demon or alien or corporeal or what. I was very disappointed in the lack of believability of the murder corn.
Then I watched all the Prophecy movies because I thought there were only 3, but there are really 5 and in the last 2, everyone is British. That was really confusing, but it made them more awesome somehow.
I AM STILL IN TWITTER JAIL.
I’d understand if I was being all spammy or something, but no. I was being legitimately awesome. It would seem like there’d be an algorithmic exception for legitimate awesomeness.
So right now I’m listening to Harry Potter audiobooks because I am a grownup. But while I remember staying up all night to read HP & the Deathly Hallows when it was released, these days, I think of it as “Harry Potter goes Camping for 75% of the book.” I seriously have the interminable camping sections cut out and the book still makes sense. More sense, actually, because I don’t need to read about a British wizard trying to camp.
Oh, also? Harry Potter (the character) is older than I am. He was born July 31, 1978, which makes him a year and 17 days older than I am. So now, he’s all married to Jenny and parenting kids and being an auror — which is like Wizard FBI — somewhere in or around London. Or would be, if he weren’t fiction.
So anyway, this makes for a lot of odd mental images on re-reading. Now when it talks about Dudley having a computer, I think of an old DOS desktop or Apple II and any game consoles are Atari or something similar. So now I want to make a chronologically appropriate movie, but it wouldn’t sell. But I’ll bet wizarding was way more impressive to people in the 80s.
Wizard: Boom. I just made a cake float.
Modern human: Yeah? I have the internet in my pocket. Oh, and I can measure protons.
Wizard: Man. Want some cake?
So Wizards have their purpose, but it’s mostly as cake delivery persons.
Oh, on a related note? When I post an actual serious post about a verifiable mental disorder? Don’t drop into my comments and hand me advice without reading the damn post. Every time you do that, God shanks a kitten.