It seems like the government — and especially the state governments — are running out of things to legislate so for some reason they feel the need to tighten or renew restrictions on my anatomy. This is bothersome, especially when you consider there are SO MANY OTHER things they could be legislating. Since I couldn’t think of anything better to do, I made this handy list. I hope it’ll help Rick Perry and other lawmakers who can’t find things to make rules about that don’t involve my body:
1. Make Pajama Day Official. Seriously, our nation NEEDS this. Free us from the unforgiving regime of grownup clothes by instituting a once weekly (at least) mandatory pajama day. Yoga pants, lounge pants, etc., will be seen as perfectly acceptable and in fact REQUIRED attire in order to be considered grownup that day. It’s only fair. Most days, people only believe you’re grownup if your clothes involve a waist band. I find this needlessly limited. Free the mumus!
2. Require media to sign up as either tabloid or news source — and then make them stick to it. That way if I want to know which celebrity just punched which baby seal, I can go for the tabloids. If I want to know why we’re blowing up certain countries, I can watch news. (Related: make them tell the truth. Lies are just mean, guys.) And if you run out of legitimate news for the day, you have to shut up. The end. I expect that’ll lead to some half-days and less of the 24-hour style “news” networks, but… I’m okay with that, actually.
3. Make Twitter lift the limit that sends you to Twitter jail. Well, not you. Honestly, I probably don’t know what you tweet about and I might not be interested. Mostly, I mean me. Because in the last 2.5 weeks, I got jailed about 7 billion times (conservative estimate) and that’s wrong. I’m legitimately awesome and should get to tweet all the things.
4. If people insist on making public policy based on religion, make them let public policy determine their religion. This means that if this week we’re feeling Hindu, we can vote your Jesus out of office. Or the other way around. Polity Faith Policy. It even has a catchy name. AND if deities had to run for re-election, you’d probably see more in the way of miracles just to keep the constituents happy. Breadmakers, fishmongers and winemakers might be unhappy, but your average religious potluck would benefit greatly.
5. Legislate the number of ridiculous things a legislature can legislate in a given period of time. If they’ve already made 3 dumbass decisions, they don’t get to make any more that year. They have to make good decisions that benefit the people they represent or they have to fight bears while naked and covered in salmon sauce. And there’s no “get out of bear fight free” card by vacating a dumbass decision you already made. No. You have to be willing to die for your decision. Literally. So: legislate my anatomy? You fight bears while naked. Seems fair to me.
Also, this was going to be a 10 item list, but I got bored. Still, I think the bear fights make up for it.