All I did was queue up a movie and when Netflix trolled me with every damn tearjerker from my childhood, I fought back. (By the way, Netflix? I NEVER WANT TO WATCH OL’ YELLER OR WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??) *ahem* I fought back, by an overwhelmingly unanimous 2 – 0 vote with watching and live tweeting Hellboy. Yes I did.
I had never watched Hellboy. No, you can’t have my geek card. I had to give it up when I admitted I hadn’t watched BSG until this year either.
Anyway, every time I try to do something FUN or AWESOME, Twitter flings me in Twitter Jail because Twitter is a jerk. I may be anthropomorphize the media platforms in my life, but WordPress doesn’t seem to mind so I don’t think I’m gonna stop any time soon.
If you haven’t seen Hellboy (which has been out for 9 years now, so shut up) probably stop reading about ….here. ‘Cause I’m going to summarize everything about that movie and probably spoiler the hell out of it.
The story (according to the movie, not the comic; quit being pedantic and try to remember this is a humour blog, okay??) is essentially that during the fall of the Nazis and the end(ish) of WWII, there’s an island in the middle of nowhere that has nothing but bad weather, angry Germans and nervous sheep. The angry Germans are screwing around with paranormal shit as they apparently did all the damn time because why not? Somehow, they implode some kind of intergalactic space anus and it shoots out a demon baby. Then everything gets explodey and people start sprouting blades. It’s really only one guy, but he moves pretty fast, so it seemed like everybody….
So when you’ve exploded all the Nazis, what do you do with the recently expelled space demon? Keep him, duh. And just so he doesn’t grow up with a complex, you feed him candy all the time and call him “Hellboy.”
Then there was blah, blah, blah romantic sub plot and Agent Sparky McBoyScout who basically got on everybody’s nerves by almost never being a compelling character.
Oh. There’s a lot of Rasputin and some aquatic variant of Sammael all mixed in here and an aquatic mutant called Abe Sapien who should really rule the world by now since he’s pretty brilliant, amphibious and basically the most British mutant possible. But I digress.
What with all the Rasputin-ing going on, of course everybody ends up in Moscow with explosives and the bossy agent no one likes whom I’ve dubbed Agent Asshead. He mostly exists to whine about things.
Hellboy straps a talking dead guy to his back to use as the creepiest GPS ever and they go look for Rasputin’s tomb because reasons. And of course it’s boobytrapped and full of things that murder in a really flashy way. Everybody gets separated, nameless agent #1 dies pretty much immediately, Agent Asshead whines about things. Hellboy gets cranky. Agent Boy Scout and Sparky the Flame Chick (Liz) go traipsing through a tunnel with Agent Nameless #2. (He dies. FBI agents are like red shirts in the movie).
Agent Boy Scout and Sparky the Flame chick find a den of Aquatic Sammy demons and have a mild panic with Sparky apparently forgetting she can toss fire all over the place and that the aquatic demons aren’t flame proof.
Hellboy breaks stuff, Agent Asshead disappears without explanation and isn’t ever really addressed again. Sparky flames all the demons and passes out. Agent Boy Scout gets a hammer to the face, Sparky gets her soul ganked out by Raspy and Hellboy has to say his name so he can open the space demon hell gate and let all the evil through.
He half unlocks it, remembers he’s not a bad guy, Rasputin gives birth to a squid demon, Hellboy explodes it and then whispers Sparky back to life while Agent Boy Scout gives Significant Looks to the camera.