That’s what I WANTED to say on a FB post earlier, one that reminded me why I normally like to pretend that FB doesn’t exist. This one was about something forgettable, but I realized I want to say it a LOT when I’m on Facebook. Twitter, on the other hand, is full of brilliant and witty people with whom I actually engage in useful discussions. Social media is awesome, except when it sucks.
Moving on, though, to the real crux of this post. It’s about Google.
Listen, Google. You do great work. You’re really good at what you’re good at. Hell, I’m even using Chrome right now on my Mac because you nailed the browser thing. Nailed it. I was a beta tester for gmail. Remember those days? Back when people had to use hotmail or Yahoo! just to talk to each other? Dark days, my friend. But then there was Gmail. There was light. And 1GB of space. I know that sounds silly now that you’ve given us, what, 15GB? And Google Drive? I even briefly considered acquiring a Chromebook at some point in the future before my iThings ganged up on me and threatened my survival. Anyway, I’m just saying that there are things you are really good at and you should stick to those things.
This is the awkward part, though.
You’re known for creative thinking. Innovation. Doing stuff in a different way. That’s why I was really sad to see the Google Doodle on Monday. I mean, I almost didn’t even mention it because, let’s face it, I’m afraid you’ll take away my data or something. You hold the power in this relationship. But remember last week when I invented the Quantum Reactive Schröedinger’s Pie cult? Last week. Like, before Monday.
Okay, I know I didn’t invent Schröedinger or the idea of quanta reacting differently on observation, but I did draw pictures about it. Like… three of them. Maybe it was two. I don’t know, Google; I’ve had a couple Klonopin smoothies since then and it’s a bit of a blur. But the thing is Monday, I saw this:
You and I both know what you did. Is this a cry for help?
Really, Google, you could at least have been subtle about it. This is just blatant. I really feel like maybe you need to talk to someone. Have you called your mother? Google, we can get through this, but you have to stop cribbing off my blog. Just admit you have a problem and, I don’t know, Google something. See? That’s another thing you’re good at. You don’t have to keep following me online. It’s a little creepy, sometimes, really. I’m sorry. It just had to be said. I think we might need some time apart — except for email and searching and browsing and storing things online, I mean. But all that other time? Yeah. I need space.
It’ll be okay, Google. But I’m not letting you borrow my iPad again.