Tag Archives: texas

What Jesus and I thought about the TX Lege on Tuesday

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Lots of people on Tuesday were claiming Jesus said lots of stuff.  Well, it’s a little known fact that I have his phone number, so I just called him up and asked him.  He was a little pissed, to be honest, but always a gentleman (unless you talk about that temple thing — just don’t go there), he just asked me to pass on a message to Representatives Cook & Laudenberg of the Texas Legislature since they seem to be getting it all garbled.  I wrote it down.

Jesus says NO

Seriously, just phone him. He’s fast about returning interview requests.

Anyway, he’s pretty tired of people with Ph.D.’s in Jesus stuff trying to legislate actual physical doctor stuff and blaming it on him.  He said if you actually earned your Ph.D. in Jesus Stuff you’d know better.

Just passing it on, y’all.

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5 Things We Should Legislate That Are Not Vaginas

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It seems like the government — and especially the state governments — are running out of things to legislate so for some reason they feel the need to tighten or renew restrictions on my anatomy.  This is bothersome, especially when you consider there are SO MANY OTHER things they could be legislating.  Since I couldn’t think of anything better to do, I made this handy list.  I hope it’ll help Rick Perry and other lawmakers who can’t find things to make rules about that don’t involve my body:

1. Make Pajama Day Official.  Seriously, our nation NEEDS this.  Free us from the unforgiving regime of grownup clothes by instituting a once weekly (at least) mandatory pajama day.  Yoga pants, lounge pants, etc., will be seen as perfectly acceptable and in fact REQUIRED attire in order to be considered grownup that day.  It’s only fair. Most days, people only believe you’re grownup if your clothes involve a waist band.  I find this needlessly limited. Free the mumus!

2. Require media to sign up as either tabloid or news source — and then make them stick to it.  That way if I want to know which celebrity just punched which baby seal, I can go for the tabloids.  If I want to know why we’re blowing up certain countries, I can watch news.  (Related:  make them tell the truth. Lies are just mean, guys.) And if you run out of legitimate news for the day, you have to shut up. The end. I expect that’ll lead to some half-days and less of the 24-hour style “news” networks, but… I’m okay with that, actually.

3. Make Twitter lift the limit that sends you to Twitter jail.  Well, not you.  Honestly, I probably don’t know what you tweet about and I might not be interested.  Mostly, I mean me.  Because in the last 2.5 weeks, I got jailed about 7 billion times (conservative estimate) and that’s wrong. I’m legitimately awesome and should get to tweet all the things.

4. If people insist on making public policy based on religion, make them let public policy determine their religion.  This means that if this week we’re feeling Hindu, we can vote your Jesus out of office.  Or the other way around.  Polity Faith Policy.  It even has a catchy name. AND if deities had to run for re-election, you’d probably see more in the way of miracles just to keep the constituents happy.  Breadmakers, fishmongers and winemakers might be unhappy, but your average religious potluck would benefit greatly.

5. Legislate the number of ridiculous things a legislature can legislate in a given period of time.  If they’ve already made 3 dumbass decisions, they don’t get to make any more that year.  They have to make good decisions that benefit the people they represent or they have to fight bears while naked and covered in salmon sauce. And there’s no “get out of bear fight free” card by vacating a dumbass decision you already made.  No.  You have to be willing to die for your decision.  Literally.  So:  legislate my anatomy?  You fight bears while naked.  Seems fair to me.

Also, this was going to be a 10 item list, but I got bored.  Still, I think the bear fights make up for it.

Somtimes Ya Gotta Dance

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Okay, so I got to watch a superhero movie last night and it wasn’t the Avengers.  It was Davis, Van de Putte & Watson taking on an immoral special session of the TX Lege and against all odds — and document falsification — they won.  Texas made us proud.

I’m pro-choice.  You know what that doesn’t mean? It doesn’t mean I’m pro-abortion.  It means I’m pro-every-life-involved and after watching the deaths that happen when there’s no access to adequate reproductive health — including abortion when necessary — after seeing what that kind of legislation can cause, I can’t conscientiously be anything else.  That’s me.  And you know what?  That doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad Christian or anything else.  It makes me a thinking human who has reached a conclusion.  Is it different to yours?  Well, that’s something that happens when people are allowed to think for themselves.  Yay freedom.

Bits of DOMA were struck down.  Again, I have people I love who benefit from this decision and, because of my studies and all manner of factors, I’m happy for them.  But you know what?  Even if I didn’t agree with the idea of gay marriage from a Christian viewpoint, I couldn’t say that I could deny gay people the right to have domestic contracts with one another.  Because in the eyes of the government, your marriage — all marriages — are a contract especially useful when it comes to matters of will, proxy and inheiritance.  And as far as the government cares, that’s all it is.  So gay people can have contracts now and that’s awesome. And if you’re a conservative Christian minister who doesn’t want to perform gay weddings, don’t worry:  1) they don’t want you to — I mean, did YOU ask someone who hates you to perform YOUR wedding ceremony?  No?  Why would they?  2) Seriously, women aren’t even equal in many conservative churches yet.  Has the government stepped in and made you let me and other women preach?  No?  Well, then what are you worried about.  If you keep acting like a PAC, though, I’m gonna campaign for you to lose your tax-exempt status. If you want to be a political machine, at least be honest about it.

Voter rights.  Well, we screwed the pooch there.  Let’s fight that.  Because I think it’s pretty obvious that racism isn’t a thing of the past any more than sexism and classism are.  So let’s not pretend states are going to be all responsible and not suppress voters in districts that might put them out of office, okay? Let’s hold congress and the SCOTUS responsible for fixing this.  You don’t gut something after almost 50 years and just hope it sunk enough that you don’t need the law anymore.  Seriously, nobody’s repealed the laws against murder and those have been on the books FOREVER.

And Texas did us proud.  But you know who’s still fighting?  Ohio.  North Carolina.  Wisconsin.  And basically every other state where a woman doesn’t have the final word regarding her body.  Bodily autonomy is not a legislative matter.  It’s a fundamental right.  You either own yourself or someone owns you and we’re being told that we are owned.  So stand up and claim your body.

So it’s been a roller coaster, but I have a Butterfinger milkshake and pajama pants, so somewhere inside, I’m still hopeful that things will be okay.  Because any world that still has milkshakes and pajama pants has to have hope.

And I’m gonna dance around and celebrate.  But I’m still gonna fight.

And if you don’t feel like dancing, you don’t have to. But if you sit still, you’re gonna wind up covered in glitter. :OP